Last entry.
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: A Perfect Circle- Freedom Of Choice
Sorry to say but this is going to be my last entry for a long time. I've switched to blogger.com and I'm under Sakatsu (my full internet name for how many years?)

Eventually, this blog will contain Sakatsu 2005 but its going to have to wait a year to do that. I'm also backing up my Tripod Blog entries on Blogger.com so you can still go back and see them if you wish. Thanks for a very interesting year and my very first reader and commentor whom I can't remember for the life of me.

{note: since I've read the user aggreement on blogger.com it says that I can't post anything that is vulgar, harmful, offensive or any bull shit of that kind so I'm thinking about designing a small side site containing the full posts of Sakatsu 2005 blog. I really don't want to lose this account, so I'm sticking to the rules, I'm betting that Tripod has the same thing but I didn't follow it either, so thats why I'm trying to very quickly back up my blog files because this is my life here, without writing it down, how will I remember in 50 years? Again, I've said this a few times but my real diary is always read by my mom, so how am I going to continue this very helpfull way of releasing stress? so yeah, there ya have it. I'm on Blogger.com, look me up, I'm starting a public diary with some funny stuff on thereso yeah

40th Blog entry.....yay!
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: ...............nothing.................................................................
Topic: Neutral Entry
and so I come to my 40th blog entry....whoooho for me. I'm glad that I have a space on the internet to keep my diary stuff but I'm kinda worried if Tripod is going to pull the plug.

Ever since my expirience of having my HD wiped I thought quite often about backing up all of my blog entries........but where~? maybe I'll get another account at livejournal or something......I dunno. I just feel much better if I have a back up somewhere incase some wierd system crash at tripod happened and I lost everything......so I'm going to see if I can do that.......so...yeah....this is going to take forever.....jeez..why didn't I do this earlier????

anyways...finally dad is coming over today.....its been almost a whole month since last I saw him. Hrmmm...dad has been acting strange lately, I wonder what it is? Oh please let it not be drugs or anything, oh lord if there is one, help my worthless dad to find the road to a better life.

signing off to get another frigging account at livejournal...livejournal kinda sucks actually....but its better than not backing up my files!

well....whatdoyaknow?
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: My Pathetic life
heya heya, guess what? I fucked my AOL over and got msn. yay! but how I got it was a bitch.

I had to erase all of my fucking data on my hard drive!

Fuck!


and whats worse than sitting around being frustrated and not having a clue as to what your doing than to talk to some asshole who thinks he's hot shit. lol.

*yawns* in 45 min. it'll be the new year.

New Years resolutions? not very many and not very motivated....

maybe....to stop chewing my finger nails...yeah...so...g2g...so much to do....so little time!

Saaaa...Ending the old Year....* END *
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: the....armagennon song? Dunno what its called.... -.-;;
Topic: Neutral Entry
Saaaaaa....I take a shower, and I STILL SMELL~!!!!

argh....

..

anyways, tonight I'm going to hop a flight to Spokane for the family gathering.

errrr....yeah...anyways...

what else do I say?

err..

Oh yeah~! This blog.......hahaha. is a great usage to me. Yes, I had to stop writing in my diary because my mother was always reading it. So yeah.

Usually, 1 diary contains 1 year of my life, but I wasn't able to fill it up because mom's been reading it....so yeah...

On day, I'm going to print all of my blog entries or something...

and so, the end of the year has come once again. Damn, time moves really freaking fast.

Traditionally, I would write up all the bad and good things that happened to me this year. But since I'm breaking tradition with this blog...hrmmm...

I'll write it in my diary, I guess...

Oh, note to self......go get a really nice diary for next year.

Yes, even though I didn't fill it out, I have to anyways.

Hrmm...what shall I get? I dunno.

Time to change the layout again, I think....I'll do that after I get back, which is the 30th.

SOooooooooo.......Bye ppl, even though nobody reads this, merry christmas and a happy new years day~! ;D

I wonder what the new year will bring? Will it be better for me? I hope so.

Just another day so far
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: ........silence.....*goes to turn something on*
Topic: Neutral Entry
Sooooooooo...

Christine got in trouble last night when she and her family were making candles, I think she almost burned down the house because she didn't know what the hell she was doing, sooo...I can't go over there today at all and she can't come see me either...*sigh*

Just another day for me then.

Oh well, I can go find some stuff/do stuff for my website and forums today....yeah~!

Or I can go learn some more HTML!! yay!

Finally some time to do some stuff....geezz...

Oh, did I tell you I'm going to be dissapearing off the face of the internet world on Tues.? Yep, I am, but I'll be back...errr...sometime the 30th...

Any guesses on what I'm going to be doing?

....yeah, its a cheap excuse to have people reply to this....whatever.

Its just another day for me today.

Not.
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Neutral Entry
False alarm.

He's cool with it now.

Actually, I think he doesn't really know...

Well, anyways, my secret is safe for now...

You know what he said? He said to just ask. Just ASK? damn simple man, easier said than done~!


Damn, I'm soooo tired today....bleh...I have this cringe in my neck, so I'm going to be massaging it tonight...erk!

Sooooo...Bill brought over boxes.......yeah, you know what that means...

Its final. We're moving.

...

god dammit~! fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking donkey ballz~!

WHYYY~!!!?!

damn, damn, damn, damn daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamiiiiit~!

thank you, oh special world! For making me feel sooo special and unique. (pretty random here, using sarcasm, if you are a dumb shit and can't tell here)

Whoever, or whatever created the world and humans, why did you have to create the human feeling of being suicidal? or, more importantly.... HELPLESSNESS?

Why?

*Yawwwwwwwwns*

too fucking tired right now to type anything....yeh, pretty lazy right now...bleh.

Hey give me a break! I've been at school for 9 1/2 hours today...and I've got to do this all this week~!

Fucking school, I hope whoever created the logic of school suffered a horrible death.

...

aaaaand everybody who read this shall forget that I go to school. *mind hypnotises everybody*

youuuu are getting sleeeeeeeppppyyy....

*yawn*

Iiiiii'mmmm getttiiing sleeeeepppyyyy.....

*falls out of chair snoring*

****seems like the author's mind hypnosis reflected off the screen and back at the author****

:P

g'night, bitches, sweet dreams.

{{has gone almost a week w/o bad dreams, but has been gettin little sleep because of stupid rain falling...}}

Fucked up again...
Topic: Very Depressing
I fucked up again.....

I asked AnBuKyD for some advice....and he just said I should tell him, then he asked me if it was either a guy or a gal......and well....

I fucked up, it seems...again.

Don't I always fuck up? I just had to go and ruin a wonderful internet friendship over something so trivial that I don't understand~!

Am I really in love this this PERSON? I just don't KNOW~!

What am I going to do now?

...

What?

The Internet, The Bitch, The Problems.
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: .....the radio...
Topic: Very Depressing
Soooo....you know that I've been pretty suicidal recently, and my grades have dropped some.

Mom was all over my ass about them, and its really irritating...the bitch has threatned to take away my computer. She just causes problems just by herself, she don't need to get involved with my internet life. My school, personal and internet life are all separet, and I prefer them that way.

Bitch....*cough* It doesn't help that I'm sick too...

Sooo...what the fuck am I suppost to do?

Weeeeeeeellll....lets see....

Hrmm...

in one hand, I could just say 'fuck the world' end it all. niiice...I don't have to worry about passing classes or anything, just let go of worldly matters and go explore the afterlife. Hrrmmm...

in the other hand, I could put it off longer...I mean, hey, what about AnBuKyD? He's been there for me...and Christine has tried to be there for me too...what about my website or forums?

Can I live through my crisis?

I. Am. Moving.

Its final. we are moving across an intire state. Its a big move, I've been living in the same house for 12 years of my life....*sigh* I don't want to leave....

But I can handle it right?

Yes

I can live through my crisis, right?

Yes

What am I going to do to make my life better?

I need to do something really soon

But what are you going to do?
What about you're grades? What are you going to do about that?

I...I'm going to get my work and work on it during winter break...I'm going to get it all done, and turn it in the day we get back to school.

What are you going to do about the one you love? Are you going to tell you're special?

I....hm...I have a chance Sat. b4 the new year....buut...I can't......I'm confused.

Get some opinions if you're confused then, right? Get advice about it.

Yeah...I'll ask AnBuKyD next time I can talk to him....He's pretty good at life stuff....ehehehe....poor dude, I bet he gets bored with me...Poor dude, talking to a super emotional person, who's just really confused....*sigh*

Well, if you're confused, lets ask some more questions.....

How do you feel about this person?

Uhh...back then, I really injoyed being with my special person. It was perfect, we could talk easy with each other, very comfy. I think I liked my special person for almost a year...but, I don't know when it evolved beyond friendship.

Back then?

Yeah, back then, b4 my special person moved away......during the summer...it was pretty lonely. But now, its why I'm confused...my special person changed over the summer...its wierd. I can't explain it...I wish I told my person b4 they moved away...maybe they would have stayed the same...I still do like my one person, then I kinda don't...argh...still confused.

I just don't know anymore....I don't want to ruin our good friendship over something this silly when I don't even truely know if I'm in love or not...argh...I keep going back and forth with this whole thing...argh...I've been battling with this for almost 2 years, starting in Jan. Its just something thats not really accepted much. I know that they are not that way...but, it still doesn't hurt any less when I have to keep hiding it from them. I want to protect them from being hurt by me, either from telling them, I could get a bad reaction and completly ruin my friendship, or I could never tell my person, and just bare my pain inside myself for the time being. either way, I get hurt, but the one way, I could protect them from suffering much...Oh...jeez...hahaha...I must be saying some wierd, crazy shit right now...I bet I don't make much sense. Hahahaha...ha...I don't know what I should do about that issue. If I told my person, how will other people react? I feel like I'm going to be hated if I told my special person....its just that....it gets pretty lonely recently, and its going to get even more lonesome once I move, maybe I just want to make some really sentimental memories before I leave...I want to be as happy as I can before I leave, make this the best year in my town b4 I leave, I guess...

I need to decide soon, Christmas is an ideal time for me to confess my true undieing love for someone, right? Oh, how romantic~! :D :D :D Hahahaha....some people that I know, would not believe that I'm saying some of this stuff...Hahaha...I've always been pretty wierd, haven't I?

Advice I'm going to ask AnBuKyD, I bet he would know something....Hahahaha...yeah...he's been around when I was suicidal too...he's seen some of my dark stuff...hahaha...I wonder what he's going to say about this? Hahaha...."Oh, boy" I bet, thats his favorite words...Hahaha....

I swear, sometimes just writing stuff out, really gets me thinking. Makes me think I have some sort of 'other half' or alter ego or something.....

Creepy....

*Note to self*
Talk to AnBuKyD about my special someone and if I should confess my love....Hahaha...

Holy shit, look at the time~!
almost 10:30 here...

Bye~!

Shiva disbanned?
Now Playing: ........nothing....
Topic: My music/ Bass related
Shiva is really not doing good....*sigh*

we haven't had a band meeting for a loooong time....*sigh*

The Talent show is in Feb....we are not ready for it yet....*sigh* ..........


I don't think I'm going to be able to play in the talent show this year because we don't have a drummer.....*sigh*

what am I going to do? I dunno...

well, thats all for now...*sigh*

....

I think I'll be on later tonight when mom is asleepp.....I hate having to do this at night...screws up my sleeping patterns....!!!

Topic: Very Depressing
Here is some of my conversation with AnBuKyD...see, I didn't forget~!
I made it all fancy for what its worth...my best internet buddy.

The first few sentances are from me, the rest was his doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Are we on the same page here?
Are you thinking you know what I'm thinking about doing?



thinking about doing.... what do you mean by thinking of doing? The same thing that everyone else thought up while they thought their life was over?

Could it be that?

Because you're not alone in thinking that...
Thats not the answer.
Is it possible to live through your problem right now?
Life is a really big story...
There are good times and bad times...
Climaxes and pitfalls...
You cant have a climax without the story building up.
And in order for the story to build up you gotta start from somewhere.
You have pitfalls because, what if there was never anything bad in your life?
Well then you'd never feel any goodness because you dont even know what sadness is to judge goodness.

So at times you have to feel sadness to enjoy the goodness....
And therefore sadness can be considered good


It sux and it hurts
But it serves its purpose
No good without evil discussion

You've found a pitfall in your life, so where do you go from here?
Thats a question only you can answer....

You can stay in your little hole and look up at the rest of the world for the rest of your life
or you can climb out and say look at me, I'm strong and I can take it.

And start to make a climax in your life...
Use the pitfall as a learning experience and dont fall in the same hole twice.

Use the suffering to make you stronger....
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"



~C. K.'s
Wise words to:
E.C.